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This probably one of the most important and fundamental and practical sections of the this website. The focus in this section is the day to day things that you can do for your overall health. You can think of this as a kind of “solid base” from which you can work on your healing journey. The topics that are included in this section include the following:

Staying connected
Eating well
Exercise
Relaxation
Mindfullness
Sleeping well
Helping others
Living by your values
Making change happen

These are good ideas for anyone, not just men who are dealing with the legacy of sexual abuse. I would suggest coming back to this section if some of the topics on this website become overwhelming.

The idea of a secure base is about focusing on achievable goals, and putting ‘first things first’. If the basics are not quite in place, like sleeping well and having strategies for dealing with day to day stress, other problems and challenges will be much harder to tackle.

It does not make the difficult stuff go away, but it does put you in a better place and frame of mind to deal with it.

Staying Connected:

Staying connected to people has a positive effect on your general wellbeing. Feelings of depression can thrive on isolation and loneliness (which is different from ‘alone time’). Knowing that other people are there and care about you can make it easier to care for yourself.

Try to make time to catch up with people and avoid being isolated. Mobile phones and the web are useful tools for staying connected when meeting people face-to-face isn’t possible.

There might be a range of people in your life that you share different levels and kinds of connections with.

A person you might have a coffee or drink with...
A person you might share a meal with...
A person you might do something fun or relaxing with...
A person you could tell that you are reading this book...
Remember that not everyone in your life has to know everything about you.
It might be worth making that extra effort to connect with supportive people who give you extra energy, and taking a break from relationships that seem draining at the moment.

Eating Well:

Eating well is about providing your body and mind with nutrients that keep you active and alert, as well as about enjoying the food you eat. Ideally you want to be eating five serves of vegetables and two serves of fruit a day. Keep your fluid intake up by drinking plenty of water.

In the last few years, a lot more people have become interested in food and cooking, and it is certainly more socially acceptable for men to enjoy cooking than it was a generation ago.

Here are some simple tips about eating well:

• Eat a healthy breakfast.
• Avoid snacking between meals or stick with healthy snacks like fruit and nuts.
• Plan healthy, quick and easy meals for busy days.
• Make use of the freezer - cook 2-3 meals worth at a time.

• Enjoy cooking - experiment with new foods and try new recipes (there are literally thousands of recipes online). • Make the most of foods in season.
• Enjoy mealtimes - turn off the television while you eat. • Invite a friend around to eat, or better yet, to help cook. • Eat slowly and savour every mouthful.
• Listen to your body - stop when you feel full.
• Try growing your own veggies, fruit or herbs.

Exercise:

Exercise is linked to positive mental health. It has the ability to change your state of mind in both the short and long term in ways that give you more energy for dealing with life’s challenges.

All adults benefit from at least 30 minutes of moderate intensity activity each day. If you can’t do this every day, it still helps to try and exercise fairly regularly. This exercise does not have to be done all at once; you can break it down into sessions of at least 10 minutes.

Different types of activity suit different people. Some people prefer team sports, some people like individual sports. Some people prefer to play competitively, others like a more social environment. Some people prefer the gym, some prefer games or sports.

If you’re not sure what would suit you, try a few things out.

You don’t have to be an athlete to boost your fitness. Yoga and Tai Chi are particularly recommended: a simple walk is good too. Some people find it really helpful to exercise with a partner or friend. Exercising with someone has the benefit that you can motivate, encourage and support each other to go for that walk in the middle of winter or to the gym when you are still aching from the last session. The main thing is that you find something that is fun or gives you a sense of achievement.

Tips for exercise:

As well as structured exercise or activities, there are day to day things you can do that don’t take much time, effort or organisation.

Work in an office?

• Keep your walking shoes handy and be active whenever you have the chance.

• Park your car a few blocks from work.
• Get off the bus or train at the stop beforehand and walk. • Take the stairs instead of the lift.
• Walk up the escalator instead of standing still.
• Walk the longer way around to the photocopier or printer.
• Enjoy a walk during your lunch break or team up with a friend to walk after work.

• Walk to your colleague’s office instead of sending an e-mail.

At home:

Walk around while you’re talking on a cordless or mobile phone.
Do some gentle stretches or sit-ups while watching TV.
Use TV ad breaks as a chance to do a quick household chore.
Do some energetic house-cleaning, gardening or odd jobs
on the weekend.
Park the car further away when going to the supermarket.

Relaxation:

Basically, relaxation exercises are short, focused routines with a specific purpose in mind - usually to slow down your breathing or relax when you are tense.

The ability to gently slow your breathing, relax your muscles and calm yourself is a useful life skill. Learning to simply take some quiet time out, that is not about ‘getting something done’, can help you to relax and feel fresh and energized.

Some people who have survived trauma find that imaginative relaxation - focusing on an image or thought that is calming and soothing - works as well as body centred approaches.

Men who have been subjected to traumatic experiences, including sexual assault, can find relaxation difficult. At one time, staying alert, constantly checking for danger might have been necessary in order to keep safe and reduce harm.

The first challenge can be to consciously notice when you are tense - your body and mind might have got in the habit of being on-guard to the extent that you hardly notice it.

So it can initially feel unsafe to drop your guard, and it can take practice and a bit of a risk to accept that there might be some places and times where you are actually safe from harm.

There are significant health benefits when you can learn to stop being constantly tense and on guard.

Tips for relaxation:

Learning to breathe deeply and relax your body helps with your general ability to rest, as well as recharging your batteries. Below is one simple relaxation exercise, focusing on breathing, and tensing and relaxing your muscles. The Living Well website has more to try.

1. Find a safe quiet spot and sit in a comfortable but upright position in a chair or on the ground (try not to slouch).

2. Plant your feet or hands firmly on the ground - push them into the ground and feel that the ground is solid.

3. Gently clasp your hands together in front of your stomach, just below your belly button.

4. Begin to notice your breathing - the pace, the depth, etc.

5. When you are ready, take a slow deep breath in through your nose.

6. Breathe in, without causing pain, for about 5 seconds.

7. At the same time as you breathe in, grip your hands together, like your hands are trying to pull in opposite directions. Use the muscles in your arms as well. Stop if you are hurting yourself, and try again with a bit less pressure.

8. Slowly breathe out through your mouth, releasing the air in a smooth controlled flow (again, about 5 seconds).

9. At the same time as you breathe out, relax your hands and arms.

Mindfulness:

You might have heard the term ‘mindfulness’. This is related to relaxation but they are slightly different things.

Mindfulness is about paying attention to things about yourself and your environment that would normally go unnoticed. Mindfulness allows us to step away from negative thoughts and feelings which often seem so compelling.

Practising mindfulness is useful in and of itself, not just when you are having difficulties. You can incorporate it into your everyday routines, such as practising mindful walking or mindfully drinking tea or coffee. By consciously using mindfulness during the day, you increase your awareness and enhance your sense of control and choice.

A ‘trap’ for men trying to use mindfulness is feeling pressure
to ‘get it right’, or thinking that you ‘just don’t get it’. There will be times when you doubt your ability to practise mindfulness. Expect that you will become distracted and doubt your ability
to ‘do’ mindfulness. This is part of the practice. Simply try and notice the doubtful thoughts, and return to your anchor (‘anchor’ is explained on the next page).

Another challenge: mindfulness goes against the idea that men are ‘do-ers’. Learning to notice things without trying to assess them or change might feel difficult. The idea that you should do something will almost certainly occur; try to simply notice that thought, then come back to your anchor.

A short mindfulness exercise:

This introduction exercise is adapted from ThinkMindfully.com

Begin your practice by anchoring your attention to your breath. You can think “in” on the in breath and “out” on the out breath. Your breathing is your anchor. Return your attention to your anchor whenever you need to.
Whenever a thought, feeling or sensation arises, notice what is grabbing at your attention and label the experience.
Try to observe each thought that arises with an accepting, curious, welcoming attitude. Don’t judge the thoughts and label them good or bad, just observe them arise as you would leaves on a stream, watching each leaf go by.
Let all thoughts drift out of awareness on their own. You don’t have to push them away because they will naturally pass on their own, in order to make room for the next ‘leaf’ to go by.
After noting each thought, simply draw your attention back to the breath, and once again think “in” on the in breath and “out” on the out breath.
Try doing this for 5 minutes to start with. As you get more into it, you can try stretching out the exercise over a longer time.

Sleeping Well:

A good night’s sleep helps to recover from the previous day and get ready for the next one. Sleep helps us to think more clearly, manage difficult situations better, and feel more energetic.

Although it’s generally agreed that 8 hours sleep is ideal, the most important part of sleep is the ‘deep sleep’ phase, the first 5 hours after you fall asleep. Regularly getting less than 5 hours sleep a night will eventually takes its toll.

Stress can get in the way of a good night’s sleep. There can be a cycle of worry, where anxiety about not being able to sleep makes it even harder to relax. Being worried about having nightmares can also make it hard to relax and get to sleep.

Poor quality ‘deep sleep’ can lead to:

Tiredness during the day
Poor concentration
Irritability
Aches and pains in the muscles and bones
An immune system that doesn’t work well, leading to
frequent illness
Longer periods of depression.

Tips for sleeping well:

If possible, try to establish a consistent routine. Go to bed at the same time every night.

Spend 30 minutes doing something relaxing before bed. Although watching TV or playing a computer game might be considered relaxing, some people find it doesn’t really help with getting to sleep. Try reading a book, doing a relaxation exercise or taking a warm shower. Make sure your bed is comfortable: it is worth investing in good sheets and pillows if possible. Try to avoid drinking lots of fluid just before bed or clock watching.

Get up at the same time every morning, even if you had a bad night. Try to resist the temptation to have ‘just a little bit more’ sleep!

Do something to ‘wake yourself up’ in the morning, like a quick walk, run or bike ride.

If you have been having long-term sleeping problems, you know that it is not easy to change. It might be time to seek expert help. This could be your GP or other health practitioner, or a counsellor who deals with sleep problems.

If things are really serious, there are also sleep clinics that provide intensive treatment.

Helping Others and Helping Yourself:

Sometimes you can lose sight of the fact that you have something to offer. Doing things for other people actually has a beneficial effect on developing our own wellbeing. Recent research in neuroscience shows that helping others and working cooperatively activates and strengthens certain parts of the brain, enhancing wellbeing.

Doing things to help others influences your perception of yourself and the world. The more people see you as a person with skills and abilities, the more you are able to see yourself that way.

In putting this into practice it is important to take care of yourself, to check that you are not doing this out of duty or continuing a habit of always putting others before yourself.

For some men, accepting help becomes easier if they can also do something in turn that helps someone else.

You could put this into action in any way that suits you. It might be volunteering with a formal organisation, offering to help a friend or an elderly neighbour, or making time to listen to someone you know who is having a hard time.

In helping others, take time to notice the conscious choice you made to offer assistance and consider how this fits in with the kind of person you want to be.

Living by your values:

Dealing with distressing experiences like memories of sexual abuse, anxiety, and depression take a lot of our energy, and at times it might feel like it takes all you’ve got just to stay afloat. In order to get ourselves in a better place to deal with these and life’s problems in general, it is worth putting some time and energy into identifying what you stand for as a person: what you value.

Our values act as a kind of reference guide or compass for who we are, how we act in particular situations and where we want to go in life. If we possess a clear sense of purpose and direction, and act according to our values, then we are less likely to feel overwhelmed or be knocked off course when we experience challenging situations.

Our values might be based on how we were brought up, on religious or spiritual tradition, or a particular ethics or approach to life that we have adopted. We might value being calm, honest, considerate, ‘giving people a fair go’, being creative, thoughtful, reliable, ‘doing our best’. Whatever the history of our values, they are essentially our sense of the right way for us to live. When we act in accordance with our values, we generally see our life as purposeful and meaningful.

Tips for identifying your values:

We usually hold our values implicitly; in other words, we
don’t often consciously think about and name our values in a structured way. By identifying our values, we establish a basic guide for us in our life.

Take some time to think about the following areas of life, and try to write or say a sentence or two about what is important to you; what kind of person do you want to be and how would you like to act in these areas of life? (Some possible values are listed).

Family relationships Parenting Friendships: - caring, supportive, respectful - loving, caring listener,‘being there when needed’,- honest, mateship,

Work :- hard working, acting with integrity, efficient, reliable

Education:- open minded, informed, ‘doing my best’

Recreation, leisure Spirituality: - fun, relaxing, life experiences - consideration, tolerance,compassionate

Community involvement Health and wellbeing:- commitment, giving back, connecting with people

Health and wellbeing:- quiet time, variety, generosity to others

As you do this, you might identify some small steps that you can take in line with your preferred way of living. This approach to life doesnot mean we are never confronted by difficult situations, unwelcome thoughts and uncomfortable feelings. It is just our focus is on calming and centering ourselves and acting in accordance with what we have established as our preferred, valued way of living life.

Making change happen

Change rarely happens in a neatly staged or organised way. Making changes to address unhelpful habits or to develop more useful patterns of behaviour requires focus, effort and repetition. Below is a basic map to help ‘track change’.

I don’t know or want to know. You don’t see a problem or need to change. Others efforts to convince you of a need for change are generally ineffective.

I’m thinking about it. You see that there’s a problem you want to get some control over, you’re evaluating the pros and cons. Others hear you talking about problem/s and options.

I want to, I’m getting ready. You are ready to change and make things happen. Others help through encouragement and strengthening your motivation.

I’m doing it. You’re taking active steps to modify your behaviour and/or environment: in your own unique way. Others can help by noticing positive changes.

I’m staying on track. Change has been made and maintained for a few months. Although, there are occasional ‘bumps’ in the road, you refuse to be derailed and know what it takes to stay on track.

When seeking to make change, remember that SAFETY is a foundation stone of building a solid base for yourself and the well being of those close to you.