WOUNDEDBOYSHEROICMEN·MONDAY, 30 MARCH 2020·7 MINUTES2 reads
It's been quite a difficult last coupe of years for male survivors of sexual abuse. If you know a man who is a survivor of males sexual abuse here are some tips to best support them in their recovery.
Its an especially difficult time be be a male survivor of sexual abuse or assault on top of the daily struggle to stay safe and healthy, male sexual abuse survivors also have to contend with the endlessly triggering news cycle and their own internal struggles of questioning themselves about who they are and the ever present question of there own masculinity.
If you are not a survivor yourself but are close to one - maybe a partner, a close friend or a family member - you may not be able to fully understand what they all fully gong through, you could possibly feel confused to lost about how to best support them. Here is a little guide of things that you may need to know to be supportive in there healing journey. Remember that everyone is an individual in their healing journey, so you will probably need to play around with this guide.
Listen to their story (if they want to talk)
If your partner or friend or family member seems to be struggling, let them know you're available if they need to talk. Remember that male survivors find it exceedingly difficult to speak about trauma as they are already fighting an internal struggle with masculinity. Remember to focus fully on them! That means no distractions, like phones, TVs or anything that would make them think that you're not paying attention to that they have to say. If you haven't already, listen to their story, if they are ready to tell you. Remember that they may also want to express their anger, frustration, fear, sadness or grief. Remember not to pressure them into talking or telling you their story, but let them know you're open to listening to whatever they want to share. Men are particularly vulnerable at this stage, they are fighting continuously about divulging abuse. An environment of trust and non-judgement is extremely important to them.
It’s recommended that you ask -especially if that person is your romantic partner - if they want physical contact (like holding hands or a hug) as they tell their story, but otherwise default to giving them physical space while they speak. Just telling their story is emotionally daunting, and it can and probably will bring back memories of the abuse.
The most important thing to remember is “Don't let your own feelings of anger to sadness get in the way of being there fro your partner of friend” Getting angry, even at the person who did this to your friend or loved one won't help. Inn fact, it could just scare your friend or partner into closing off the conversation. You're job isn't to “fix” your friend or partner, make them feel better, or take away their pain. Your job is simply to listen and acknowledge.
Its especially important to believe your friend, family member or partners story. It's a sad fact that it has to be said, but thats the climate that we’re in with now. Let them know that above all, you believe them.
Some possible responses that you might want to try, but remember its not an exhaustive one:
“Thank you for sharing.”
“You are not to blame for what happened to you”
You didn't deserve what happened to you.”
“Im sorry this happened to you.”
“You are not what was done to you.”
“That was abuse, not healthy sexuality”
“ I support you in your healing.”
“ I resect you for addressing this.”
“I love you.”
Educate yourself
While every male survivor and each story is unique, its useful and important that you educate yourself on the impacts of male sexual abuse and sexual abuse in general. The following point is extremely important, it is absolutely not the responsibility of a survivor to educate you - especially than its so easy to read more on your own - and being better informed beforehand will make you a better partner in recovery. Books are a great place to start.
Some recommended titles include “Allies in Healing: When The person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child” by Laura Davis and others specifically geared towards male sexual abuse survivors. I will be providing a list shortly via this page.
The impacts of sexual abuse can be extremely difficult to understand if you haven't experienced the abuse yourself, and it may help to learn some of the common impacts that abuse can have on a loved one. Below are some common impacts. This is by no means an exhaustive list, and please remember that each survivors experience is unique.
Dissociation: A survivor’s body can be physically present, but their mid can be in a completely different place, especially during intimate moments.
Getting Triggered: Survivors might jump or tense up when someone gets too close, even if its someone they love and trust. Certain words, actions, sounds, gestures or even smells could send them into a heightened state of agitation and possibly “flashbacks”. Many sexual abuse survivors can also be hypervigilant.
Difficulty making healthy decisions: Some sexual abuse survivors find it tricky to make healthy decisions about their sex lives after the abuse, particularly men. They may have poor body image or low self esteem. They may find themselves becoming intimate with people who don't respect them, or in stations that feel unsafe.
Low libido or avoidance of sex: Many survivors don't want to resist specific activities that traumatised them and may completely avoid sex.
Shame: Many survivors feel as if they're broken or damaged goods. Male sexual abuse survivors can feel a different kind of shame, since male sexual abuse isn't discussed nearly as often, and carries a different kind of stigma.
Remember this list shouldn't be used to diagnose your ,loved one, but rather, to give you a foundation if your loved one wants to discuss ways the abuse may affect their life.
Be an ongoing source of support
Your friend or loved one is most likely going to continue having reactions to the news, family dinner conversations, intimacy or even seemingly random events. Depending on how much trauma a survivor goes through, will depend on how long the healing journey will be. Here's what you can do in those moments:
Keep listening. Dot try and give advice or fix the problem. Just listen.
Let them feel their feelings. It can be extremely difficult to see someone you love in pain, but they need space to express themselves. Don't say things like, “Cheer up” or “Don't cry.” Stay by their side as they work through their feelings.
Let you loved one know you're on their team. Tell them that you're happy to turn off the TV, your mobile, get out of the ouse or leave an event with them.
Ask if you're friend or loved one needs anything from you. They may not always have an answer, but its nice to make it clear that you want to be supportive and engaged.
Practice self-care
Encourage your loved ones to get as much support that they can. This might include engaging a GP, a psychologist and even/or a psychiatrist.
However, it is ultimately up toy our loved one to make their own decisions about the healing process. While healing is a process you can participate in, its not something you can control or make happen. Survivors heal on their own timelines, based on their own readiness and motivation. Healing is more likely to take place when the survivor leads, and you work as a team together - both partners in the healing process.
Its also really important for you to get your own support. Sometimes people who love survivors can go through some kind of parallel process themselves, often with less support, fewer resources, and feeling that they don't deserve the support because it wasn't done to you. Understand that you may have your own reactions to hear the story of someone you loved being abused. And you also deserve and need support.
Honour their recovery
Recovering from sexual abuse is a long process that is never truly over. The both to recovery can also look different for each survivor.
Probably the biggest gift that you can give your you can give is to be patient! Along the way t is important for you and your loved one to acknowledge and honour the hard work. You can do an activity together after each therapy session, or you can get away for a weekend where the news cycle or anything else becomes too much to bare. The healing process can feel like two steps forward, one step back, but nay kind of progress deserves recognition.