This is an article that I wanted to write for sometime. A few years ago I attended a workshop on Trauma, in particular Trauma related to sexual abuse. It was actually my first workshop that I attended after disclosing that I had been sexually abused. So you can imagine that I was filled with a huge amount of anxiety and trepidation.
The day started well enough, introductions were made by the presenters and we all had an opportunity to introduce ourselves around the room. And then it hit me, out of around 30 participants at the workshop, there were only four male survivors and we all gravitated towards each other, in the hope that we could find understanding and a certain amount of relief that we had "found: each other.
The time had come for our table to make our introductions. The anxiety at the table was palpable. As each of us went around the table, we listened intently and supported each other with knowing nods. As men we felt like outcasts, a small minority in a group of survivors.
Gary (not his real name) was the last to introduce himself. I had a feeling that his introduction was going to be a little different to our own. He was certainly nervous, but I sensed a determination in him. He took a deep breathe and introduced himself to the worksop. He was a survivor of sexual abuse, but unlike anyone else, the abuser was a woman. What I was not expecting was the reaction of the room! You could sense the reaction of the room. Some of the participants rolled their eyes, others chose otter their backs. Gary sat down and looked deflated and defeated and worst of all distressed.
Which brings me to the topic of women who perpetrate sexual abuse on boys. We first of all have to understand that when a boy is sexually abused by a woman, he suffers a different type of confusion, isolation and shame than other abused boys. In society, particularly Australian society, this type of sexual activity between an older woman and a young boy is not seen as abusive.
Indeed, it is viewed in society as almost as a "right of passage" into manhood or "scoring". There are plenty of examples in the way that society views this form of sexual abuse. Its payed out on films, TV shows, games and on the internet. A boy that talks about his kind of abuse (which sadly sent many) is often greeted, the same as Gary, with disbelief, denial, trivialising and some kind of romanising by the general public, police, media etc. faced with this, these survivors choose not to speak out. And in some cases he may try and redefine his experience to fit in to what societies perceptions are, even joking about it.
And here's the dilemma who boys who have been sexually abused by a woman. Not knowing how to cope with the shame and guilt and expectations that society has placed on this type of abuse, he will push the abuse into the far reaches of his mind and will sometimes lose memories of it until later in life.
Society commonly dismisses a Child's report of abuse by a woman as fantasy or exaggeration. If we are to deal with abuse effectively, we, as a society, must create a culture that recognises all sexual for that it is. Child sexual abuse is harmful and horrific regardless of the gender the perpetrator is.
Gary bravely shared his story to me that day. He spoke of the horrifying abuse at the hands of his mother. His battles with drugs to try and numb the pain of that happened to him. His battle with steady employment and trying to navigate the mental health system. His inability to make friendships and the isolation he felt everyday. He was an inspiration to me and to the there men who attended that worksop. We exchanged phone numbers and promised to keep in touch and support each other.
Sadly a few weeks later, I received a message from one of our group, letting me know that Gary had committed suicide.
So this article is dedicated to Gary.